Dear Suit-Wearing Gentleman on the Metro:
Please forgive my forwardness in pulling out your headphones and violently throwing your copy of today's Express down the length of the train car, but I must ask you a question.
Why are you wearing New Balance sneakers with your suit and carrying your dress shoes in a bag?
I am aware that women do this. However, apart from a plethora of biological differences, you are different from women in yet another way: The dress shoes which you have--nay, get!--to wear to work are comfortable. You do not have to wear three-inch heels which get caught in ventilation grates and escalator steps. You get to wear hard-soled, fully enclosed shoes made out of a beautiful leather which, with a few wearings, readily conforms to your feet. You have the privilege of getting to wear these masterpieces of a hundred years' worth of shoe-engineering technology. Unless your dress shoes are too small, there should be no pinching.
I guess you change shoes in the men's room before going into your office, but what if you ran into your boss on the street? A client? A girl or boy you were fixing to call for a second date?
I'm just saying. Oh, and sorry about the newspaper--whoops, here's my stop! Bye!